Friday, December 28, 2007

ProcrasTV: The Christmas Tree (*)

(*) I is a poet and I didn't know it!

Click Here To Read More

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry X-mas, güey!

Wishing you the best this Holiday season! Don't be cheap, buy me something!

Image from here. Click Here To Read More

Friday, December 21, 2007

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 15- Dec. 21)

- Panthers' fans to use Jessica Simpson masks to jinx Cowboys. Always the good sport, Jessica offered to hook them up with the surgeon that gave her hers.

- Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister reveals she's pregnant. True to Spears clan form, she added that the baby is a girl, which in turn is scheduled to deliver her own baby as soon as she gets out of the womb.

- Ailing leader Fidel Castro says he doesn't intend to cling to power forever. Phew, just in time to avoid being stigmatized as a dictator.

- Store-employee learns co-worker is birth mom. The 22-year-old man reportedly regrets that in all these years hadn't thought of paging her through the PA before.

- Study shows sex ed in schools may help delay teen sex."Not if I can help it" said Britney Spears' mom, before letting out an ever-so-wicked laughter... Click Here To Read More

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Exclusiva: Madonna Swears Off Homos

Long-time gay icon Madonna, has decided to abdicate her throne as empress of the gay Universe, sources revealed. Speculation started at this year's Jingle Ball in Philadelphia, where producer Timbaland leaked a not-quite-HQ snippet of their upcoming collaboration, 4 Minutes To Save The World, rumored to be the first single of her upcoming album Hard Candy. Reportedly, when the crowd heard the decidedly urban-driven, radio-friendly sound of the song, everyone wondered 'Is Madge going all ex-gay on us? What's next, Scientology?' A confused local homosexual had this to say about the track: 'It's weird. This song doesn't make me want to wear Diesel jeans and do alkyl-nitrate. I don't understand.'

We approached a close acquaintance of Madonna's regarding these rumors, and here's what they had to say: "It's true. Madonna it's very disappointed with the gays. It's not like in the old days. Now, they're too busy starting families, adopting kids-- either in real life or vicariously through Angelina on TMZ; both ways equally exhausting, if you ask me. They don't pay attention to her anymore." According to this souce, originally Madge had reckoned her last album didn't do as expected because it wasn't gay enough. [And we're talking about an all disco-anthem CD featuring her in a fuchsia leotard humping a disco ball on the cover.] So she decided to take a more aggressive approach. "Her new album was going to be all homo-centric. Gay-themed versions of her classics." Tracks rumored to be included in this never-materialized album were: 'Dye Another Gay', 'Hung Wop', 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Me', 'Open Your Arse', and 'Take A Bow... now!' However, she gave up on the project when she realized the gay community had push her aside, to focus their attention on more transcendental issues like Marriage Rights, Defamation in the media and all that manmeat in 300.

The source claims that she had exhausted every gay-porn imagery available -from
cowboy to military themes- and was even considering dressing up as a college quarterback for her upcoming album cover, before finally deciding to give up on the fanbase that seemed to have forsaken her. That doesn't mean she hasn't broken a few hearts in the process. 'I want her to go back to when you could see her in her videos, wearing the snuggest outfits, flexing her guns, and trying to blend in with people a third her age. That's what being gay stands for!' stated a certain Idaho Senator who wished to remain anonymous.

So while some remain skeptical of her pursuit of the younger, straighter ones, we'll go ahead and trust Madonna's savvy commercial instincts on this. After all, it is this way that she has managed to stick around long enough for us to be able to watch her leak at 50. Click Here To Read More

Monday, December 17, 2007

ProcrasTV: Gettin' in on the caption.

If you thought Fandango's "My happiness is a golden poem" is the best send-up of Indian musical numbers, you have to see this gem. This choreographic style can only be described as Paula Abdul on drugs (, I mean, oh, whatever) and the best part, of course, is that it was not intended to be as funny as it is.

Putting the 'pun' back in punjab!

I say screw that Debbie Allen junk, this is what the Academy Awards dance numbers really need! ( ...though the odd part is that the video was already funny enough without the captions.) Click Here To Read More

Friday, December 14, 2007

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 8- Dec. 14)

- Brazilian villagers find 18-foot anaconda. The plus-size snake threatened to damage the careers of big-butted Latin starlets everywhere.

- Several New York Yankees players suspected of using steroids. Who woulda thunk? Loosers are users.

- North Korea responds to personal letter sent by Bush. Response says 'Please, next time no writing with crayons. Thank you.'

- Guns N' Roses lyrics cause teacher to lock self in classroom. And that was before she saw what Axel looks like nowadays.

- Katie Holmes tells magazine what turns Tom on.
Mag's fact checkers still waiting to hear back from John Travolta. Click Here To Read More

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Bears Consideration

This site dedicated to putting the 'mort' back in 'Mortimer' tells me I'm not alone in nominating him as Most Maleficient Cuddle-Toy of 2007. And please, Britney, stop e-mailing us. We're not going to include Sean Preston Federline in that category. Click Here To Read More

Monday, December 10, 2007

ProcrasTV: On the 6th Day... Arnold found Jesus

I was aware that politicians would do anything to woo the conservative vote, but this gives new meaning to the phrase 'standing on the Christian right.' Then again, this should dissipate any rumors that the Governator is an anti-semite. For either of these two guys, this has to be at least more tolerable than Judgement Day.

"You can walk on water... but can you make me act?" Click Here To Read More

Saturday, December 8, 2007

ProcrasTV: ManHint

First on a series of not-so-subtle hints of items you can give a certain blogger for Christmas.
Click Here To Read More

Friday, December 7, 2007

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 1- Dec. 7)

- Syria blocks Facebook over fears of Israeli "infiltration" of Syrian social networks on the Net. Israel retaliated by letting Esther and her Spicy Webcam unleash her spamming fury on their MySpace.

- Miss California USA Pageant officials rectify error, crown new beauty queen. When questioned about the cause of this error, the organizers simply filpped their blond bangs back, giggled girlishly and said 'World peace!'

- Iowa Mom Gets Probation for Attempting to Sell 4-Year-Old Son to Pay for Wedding Dress. Oh, the nerve. Doesn't she know it's dishonest and offensive to try to sell an individual not old enough to either sow buttons or strip dance?

- German authorities seek to ban Scientology, calling it 'a commercial enterprise that takes advantage of vulnerable people.' And therefore, unlike any other organized religion in history. Amen.

- Rhino poop auctioned on eBay for charity. Expect it to be the most overpriced piece of dung ever ( least until Paris Hilton gets another record deal.) Click Here To Read More

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Revolution will be TiVo'ed

A basic principle of TV writing is that viewers are drawn to shows where they see themselves represented, so it's only fascinating to see this TV Guide report where US presidential candidates talk about their favorite TV shows. Of course you can expect them to give their pre-sanitized press-conference-ready, but for that reason we present you we a detailed analysis of their answers. Here's the breakdown:

1) Hillary Clinton
What she said: Her favorite shows are HGTV makeover shows, Grey's Anatomy, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars.
What it says about her: The central dramatic element in makeover shows is acceptance, in Idol and Stars is popularity while in Grey's is Katherine Heigl's ass. Expect her to use all three as deciding criteria if she become's president.
If her presidential tenure would be a TV show it would be: Commander in Chief, were Geena Davis is like a female version of her.
Not on her TiVo: Monica Lewinsky's dating show, Mr. Personality

2) John Edwards
What he said: Mentions Perry Mason as favorite all time show and Sam Malone from Cheers as favorite all time character.
What it says about him: He hasn't been near a TV set since the Reagan administration.
If his presidential tenure would be a TV show it would be: Three's Company if only 'cause he looks like John Ritter, no?
Not on his TiVo: We would say Fred Thompson on Law & Order... but he names it as his guilty pleasure. (WTF?)

3) John McCain
What he said: Claims to like Prison Break, "because as a fellow prisoner, I always dreamed and plotted how I would break out of the Hanoi Hilton."
What it says about him: This uncalled-for bragging quip shows this is a man who's very mature for his age.
If his presidential tenure would be a TV show it would be: 24, with the 72-year-old Senator having people wondering if he'll make it alive 'till the end.
Not on his TiVo: Sex And The City, so not even his TiVo would dare to think he's gay.

4) Barack Obama
What he said: His favorite TV character of all time is SpongeBob SquarePants.
What it says about him: Isn't a man who has a pink starfish for best friend the ultimate metrosexual?
If his presidential tenure would be a TV show it would be: Flavor Of Love, because no other African-American fella could make so many white men go green with envy.
Not on his TiVo: Commander in Chief. Click Here To Read More

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Bad News, Bear

This Just In: Famous cyberhitchhiker Mortimer, the travelling bear, has been kidnapped in Colombia by the FARC guerrilla. Please be kind to share this proof of life with the bear's next of kin. (Tinsley Mortimer?)

Cyberspace is not the place to rely on the kindness of strangers. Click Here To Read More

Friday, November 30, 2007

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 24-Nov. 30)

- British teacher in Sudan sentenced to prison, possible lashing for letting toddlers name a Teddy bear after Muslim prophet. As for the other parties involved, the kids were penalized with a harsher sentence of no naps for a week and removal of all non-primary color crayon privileges.

- Diplomatic relations between UK and Sudan strained after Teddy bear incident, while angry mob calls for the teacher's execution. However, the 'Muhammed bear' has still a way to go before decrowning Mortimer The Traveling Bear as 2007 Most Maleficient Cuddle Toy.

- Shocking study reveals two thirds of NYU students would up give up their right to vote for a year's tuition, while 20% say an iPhone touch would do. Politicians: don't be discouraged just yet. These people are known to drop their price tag after two beers and a roofie.

- Dutch police arrests teenager for stealing virtual furniture from social networking site. Who could have foreseen that technology would provide with all these brand new venues of crime for OJ Simpson to perpetrate and get acquitted of?

- Canadians' beer drinking habit might be a threat to the environment. Dude, first Celine Dion and now this?.

THIS JUST IN: Study Says Waiting Too Long to Have Sex Linked to Sexual Dysfunction Later in Life. Producers of Porky's, American Pie as well as impatient high school boyfriends everywhere to be presented with medal of honor for selfless services in the field of public health.

Not since the times of Helen of Troy has the world seen so much political turmoil over some dusty 'ol piece of rug. Click Here To Read More

True Dat, Rat (Part 2)

Pearls Before Swine, by Stephan Pastis

From here Click Here To Read More

Thursday, November 29, 2007

ProcrasTV: Gimme Moore

This is a video for the intersecting demographics of fans of hefty lefty Michael Moore, prison-docs watchers and Scandinavophiliacs in general. Sweet place indeed, but bear in mind this kind of social stability can't be achieved overnight.

(Unless you live in a country where night lasts for six months.)

Nor-Güey, Jose! Click Here To Read More

Monday, November 26, 2007

Exclusiva: Personal (Shopper) Jesus

"What Would Jesus Buy?" is the title of a new documentary produced by Morgan Spurlock, designed to portrait the anti-consumerism efforts of an artist to convert people to his "Church of Stop Shopping." Although probably intended as a rhetorical question, the title sparked our curiosity enough to have a brief interview with the original life-savior JC himself, so he could give us some insight into what items made it into his shopping list this season. Here's what we got.

Name: Jesus Of Nazareth
Occupation: Messiah, (also known for his brief stint as a painting model during the Renaissance)
Age: 33
Ethnicity: Jewish, Middle-Eastern.


1) When In Rome, (DVD). Starring Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen.

JC Sez: "I like the Olsen twins. Other people claim to follow my footsteps, but they're the ones who try harder. From the Boho look, to the cult status, to the endless fasting, they really 'nail' it -no pun intended. I also like Rome. I don't know why, but I always feel at home over there."

2) Crocs Clogs.

JC Sez: "Very useful when waking on damp surfaces like, you know, water."

3) SAMPAR Skin Care products.

JC Sez: : "Not for me, though. It's for all those lepers I cured. I feel I kinda owe them. They didn't have to worry about these things before I came along. All I can say to them is 'I can give you back your skin but, daily moisturizing, that's a whole nother issue.' "

4) Cher- The Farewell Tour (DVD)

JC Sez: "I've always sympathized with Cher. We've both achieved success without the help of a last name and we've been around for about the same time. However, I never had a particular interest in her, until this thing kept popping up on my recommendations list. All I did was type that I was 33 and single. Odd."

5) Electric Wood Chipper

JC Sez: "Next time they won't get me, I'll be waiting for them! (Laughs) Just kidding."

PRODUCTS THAT WILL NEVER MAKE IT TO YOUR SHOPPING LIST: "Anything related to The Da Vinci Code. But not because of what they say about me. It's just that Tom Hanks mane. It's just sinful."

Alright, people. These are a few things to keep in mind. After all, His birthday is just around the corner. Click Here To Read More

Friday, November 23, 2007

Maybe Sesame Street really isn't suitable for children after all...

Late Bird special.

Happy Thanksgiving!

From here Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 17-Nov. 23)

- Citizens of Lebanon left in confusion, as huge void sits atop of its government. This wouldn't happen in America. Here they would promptly find a way to have the vacuum re-elected for a second term and have it send the country to war.

- Writers' strike blamed on delaying Da Vinci Code prequel, starring Tom Hanks and his hair. And you thought the whole point of a strike was to make people fear it would have a negative impact on their lives.

- A new film starring Angelina Jolie as a cave-dwelling reptilian creature that preys on men's weaknesses, to seduce them and destroy them, opens in the US. And aside from this interesting Jennifer Aniston-financed documentary, the film Beowulf also hits theatres.

- Detroit named most dangerous city in the US. And if you have a problem with that, the city will smash you with another Supremes-inspired movie-musical starring Beyoncé.

- Surgeons remove ten-pound hairball from woman's stomach. On the lighter side, we finally get to know who's Jodie Foster been dating all this time. Click Here To Read More

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Times are a-changin'

A few signs that times might be catching up wtih us:

- Big Bird's early DVD's relegated to adult section. In which, with a name like that, we foresee a great future.

- Born to be wired. Hollywood young'uns just can't wait to have their first OD, can't they?

- This isn't your grandma's nude calendar. ...Or is it?

- My old mule ain't what it used to be. Drug mule, that is.

Big Bird and Adult Videos: Birds of a feather...? Click Here To Read More

Friday, November 16, 2007

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 10-Nov. 16)

- Britney outraged at positive drug test result. Blames it on asthma inhaler. That would have gone down well, hadn't the authorities realized that Brit tends to fill her inhaler with crack-cocaine.

- Up to ten deaths that occurred in the US in the last 18 months, have been attributed to a strain of the common cold. Different government organizations join forces in an effort to keep this news hidden from overprotective mothers and grandmas all over the nation.

- Doomsday cult in southern Russia hole up, threaten massive suicide. Luckily, Tom Cruise showed up to relieve the tension with a fresh pitcher of Kool Aid!

- Lohan completes daylong sentence in just 84 minutes. This is not the first time she shows her gift for outpacing the world. Let's not forget her successful attempt to look like a middle-aged stripper by age 21.

- Spanish King Tells Venezuelan President Chavez to 'Shut Up.' Yes but, where was he when Chavez was recording his Ranchero CD? Click Here To Read More

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Guey Awards: Best UnAcceptance Speech 2007, new additions.

Here's a few additions to the candidates to this blog's own Güey Award for Best UnAcceptance Speech 2007. As you all now, the winner in this category will take home a golden statue of Cleopatra, Queen of de Nile. The award is bestowed upon the gentleman of homosexual persuasion who comes up with the best excuse after being caught red handed cruising for a bruising. The newest additions are:

1) "I was feeling sick, my friend was only trying to help me."
- Boyband US5's Richie Stringini, explaining why he was photographed shirtless at a Berlin gay club's bathroom stall, with the aforementioned friend's face in his crotch.

2) "He said he was going to take me to a party with 'really cool girls."
- Mexican gossip TV reporter Fabian Lavalle, after being found tied up and beaten up, at a seedy hotel into which he checked in with a guy who 'turned out' to be a male escort.

Here's the breakdown:

According to the experts, Mr. Lavalle has definitely have to score some extra points for his chuzpah. He wants people to believe he picked up a random guy on a Mexico City street, in the middle of the night, and followed him into a sketchy hotel because some 'cool ladies' were waiting for him. Because, you know, that's what famous TV straight guys have to resort to when trying to score some poo tang. A famous guy driving a bimmer is such a turn off that they have to recruit the wingman services of the much more appealing male prostitute.

However, hats -and maybe other things- have to be tipped to Mr. Stringini who, instead of hugging the spotlight, decides to give his friend well-deserved props. According to his version, he was feeling ill in such a way, that his friend had to take him into a bathroom stall, take his shirt off and sink his face in his crotch, runnning the risk of people misinterpreting the situation, all to make the singer feel better. I'm not sure about the healing effects of such maneuvre but, hey, I wish I had more friends who'd be willing to do the same for me. Oh, and he also claims he had no idea the club was gay. Right. Now, you might not have heard of this band US5, but apparently they're big in Germany. As to how big, well, you might have to ask Richie's friend.

So it seems the race for this award is getting tighter. Let's see how things turn out when the time comes to hand out the prize, which is rumoured to be presented by Clay Aiken. Stay tuned. Click Here To Read More

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 3-Nov. 9)

- Tom Cruise spotted waiting for Katie Holmes at NY Marathon's finishing line. Strangely, at the sight of him, she proceeded to turn around and started running another 20 miles in the opposite direction.

- Dancing With The Stars contestants worried over rumored curse on the show's former participants. Because, you know, these guys were SO on a roll before the show.

- A-Rod allegedly walks out 'cause team won't meet $350 million pricetag. Man, please! Think of all these poor kids in Africa who can't afford tickets to watch the Yankees suck.

- Little girl in India scheduled for surgery to have her extra set of extremities removed. Parents said to use spare limbs to pay for outstanding iPhone bill.

- Singer Amy Winehouse cries as her husband goes to jail. They tried to make me give a damn about it and I said 'No, no, no.' Click Here To Read More

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Quote Of The Day

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Deep thoughts left on the walls of dowtown Manhattan's Palais Royal. Click Here To Read More

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

True Dat, Rat

Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis

From here. Click Here To Read More

ProcrasTV: Travel and Culture

Another reason why I root for Japanese world domination.

Click Here To Read More

NewsQuiz: Short Essay Edition.

In the event that the world world turned into a Big Brother kind of of show -and at the rate reality programming is going, that's not so far fetched- and the two people nominated to be voted off the house were Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and gossip blogger Perez HIlton, who would you vote off and why? Please provide a short answer below. Click Here To Read More

Friday, November 2, 2007

ProcrasTV: Pimp My Video Spoof Edition.

In case you needed yet another excuse not to be productive today, here's a selection of a very few funny takes on very popular videos. Some of them achieved the impressive feat of being even more ludicrous than the originals. Enjoy.

Alanis Morissette "My Humps"

Britney Spears "Gimme More (Pills)"

Madonna "Movies"

Got a favorite video spoof? You're more than welcome to share it in the comment section of this post. Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roudnup (Oct. 27-Nov. 2)

- Marriage 'Expert' on Saudi TV Advises Men in 'Right Way' to Beat Their Wives. World quickly conjures secret plot to set him up with Ann Coulter.

- Man puts Texas for sale on eBay. Pulls down the ad after realizing the legal consequences of such a sizeable offer of armament and trans fat.

- Bush declares "History teaches us that underestimating the words of evil, ambitious men is a terrible mistake." Somewhere in the world, Alanis Morissette is checking the weather forecast for her wedding day.

- US charity launches coffee-scented condoms in Ethiopia. They will come in sizes tall, grande and '...can't we just cuddle?'

- Former Football Player Sues Iona College After Losing Leg to Staph Infection C'mon, man. What would be going to college without catching some nasty bug? Click Here To Read More

NewsQuiz: Britney Speaks.

Subject: Music, Entertainment.

In her new single, Britney Spears daringly asks the world "Do you want a piece of me?"

From the following sentences, pick the one that completes this note the best.

a) This comes to add itself to the list of traits that make the singer similar to a KFC bucket.

b) The world then responded with a collective 'No, thanks, Britney. We're on a low-fat diet.'

c) This and her skimpy VMA outfit just go to show that even after the media, Justin, K-Fed, Perez Hilton and the DMV have helped themselves... man, there's still a TON of Britney to go around.

d) Federal authorities and record executives are still trying to find someone who genuinly cares about this. Click Here To Read More

Friday, October 26, 2007

Weekly News Roudnup (Oct. 20-26)

- Bronx priest outraged at drug transactions effectuated inside his church. Hey, if you had to sit through his sermons, you'd be trying to score a little booster too.

- New Yorkers scorned as Giuliani expresses support for Red Sox. Hey, we're OK with you bailing out on the Democratic Party, double-crossing your first and second wives, doing business with Chavez, but THIS??? Have you got no decency?!

- 'Lost' actor has DUI charges dropped. Authorities were fed up with waiting for him to be done with his emotional flashback.

- Britney horrifies the world with her plump lips. On the bright side, this time she managed to do it while keeping her panties on.

- Dumbledore is gay. Really? The mature, single gentleman, who wears Kathy-Bates-like dresses and has a flare for dramatic entrances? You don't say! Click Here To Read More

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

ProcrasTV: Cult freaks and Coult er

Welcome to this new section of my blog. For those in need of some distraction at work, but can't be bothered to find your own YouTube fix, I present you a few selections.

A new fascist instrument of mind domination has been exposed by my fellow Güeymen south of the border. It's this video called 'Obedece a la Morsa,' roughly translated as 'Obey the Walrus.' Hmmm, is that what dubbya's middle initial stands for?

But I have to say my favorite take on this Goddess Bunny-inspired clip comes from this candid customization.

Now, a freak of nature of a different kind is masterfully portraited by Drew Barrymore in this hillarious SNL sketch, which I hope you enjoy.

UPDATE: It seems the video with Drew Barrymore as Ann Coulter was removed, but you can find another earlier version of this sketch here.

Now please be so kind to get back to work, right agüey. Thank you. Click Here To Read More

Monday, October 22, 2007

Guey Awards: Best UnAcceptance Speech 2007

The front-runners in this race are:

1) "I have a wide stance."
- Republican Sen. Larry Craig when asked to explain why he was playing footsie with an undercover cop at a Minneapolis airport bathroom. As to why he was sneaking his hand under the wall stall to reach the officer? "I was trying to pick up a piece of paper."

2) "Cruising the Internet for minors? No, I was just doing field research for my psychiatric work."
- Italian priest Tommaso Stenico after he was secretly filmed making advances to a young man he met online.

3) "I'm not gay. I just offered the stocky black guy $20 and oral sex because I was afraid I'd be attacked by him and the other black men in the area"
-Florida Republican Legislator Bob Allen, after being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover cop in a Florida public restroom. Allen claims he feared becoming "another statistic."

What the experts say:

Given that this award is given on the merits of creative writing (e.g. talking your way out of a crappy spot.), it's hard to pick a winner. Experts and pundits point out that all of them have cleverly resorted to sensitive issues to justify their actions.

Here's the breakdown:

Stenico wanted to show how the Catholic Church is embracing the new millenium, by using the information superhighway to do what's been doing for years: reach out to, er, touch the heads of youngsters everywhere.

On the other hand, Larry Craig opted for a more sophisticated approach. He cleverly throws you off by making you ponder 'why would anyone want to pick-up a piece of paper -hell, ANYTHING at all- from the nasty floor of an airport bathroom?' But he knows you'll find the answer quickly: Global Warming. By valiantly saving that piece of paper from ending up un-recycled, Mr. Craig made sure he was on his way to make his 'wide' carbon footprint a bit smaller. Hey, if that angle made people watch a documentary starring Al Gore...

But my money has to be on Bob Allen. First of all, he trusts the audience will automatically empathize with his argument, because clearly everyone knows that the best way to avoid being attacked by a bunch of black dudes -even if they're just roaming around minding their own business- is, of course, offering them 20 bucks and a bj (second only to distracting them with a basketball.) This strategy never fails, and if you're good enough at it, it might even get you a guest spot in an upcoming urban radio hit. Second, he hopes that instead of being labeled gay, people will hopefully out him as racist and send him to rehab. Rehab! All that free press and rounds of post-rehab talk show time! You have to admit chunky's got brains. Plus, Allen must be rubbing his hands together, at the thought of being stranded 28 days with only him, Isaiah Washington and a wad of twenties.

So as you can see these favorites will be tough to beat, but I guess we'll have to wait until the year is over until all is said and done. Click Here To Read More

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

News Quiz: This note has legs.

"Authorities To Return Amputated Leg To South Carolina Man

MAIDEN, N.C. -- Authorities say a South Carolina man who mistakenly lost his amputated leg when it was sold in a barbecue smoker at a public auction will get the appendage back.
John Wood had been battling to regain custody of the leg from Shannon Whisnant. Whisnant found the leg in a barbecue smoker he purchased at an auction of Wood's belongings last week.
Wood's leg was amputated three years ago after an airplane crash. He had been keeping the leg so it could be cremated with him when he dies."

From the following sentences, choose the one that better completes the previous newsnote:

a) This is the most ridiculous redneck feud over a human body part since Tommy Lee and Kid Rock fought over Pamela Anderson's ass at the VMA's.

b) Paris Hilton released a statement expressing her simpathy, claiming she knows what it feels to go through life not knowing where your legs are going to end up next.

c) It's been rumoured that Lindsay Lohan has demanded the right to personally inspect the barbecue smoker closely, thinking that could be the place where she left her dignity.

d)The former owner of the leg said it'd be sad to see his limb go, but on the other hand he seemd optimitstic since he has been offered custody of Britney's kids.

Click Here To Read More

News Quiz: IRANGAyTE

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon."

From the following sentences, choose the one that better completes the previous newsnote:

a) The President then added "...we just have a lot of men who get curious and frisky when drunk."

b) "We just have a lot of sensitive, good looking men who haven't found the right girl yet."

c) I guess that would account for the beige carpeting, pleaded khaki and nasal hair epidemic.

d), who designs all those cute burqas then?

e) In other news, Madonna just cancelled her future tour dates in Teheran, and Diesel stores have undefinitely folded their plans to set shop in the region.

f) Funny. My dad made a similar statement once regarding his family...

Click Here To Read More

I'm with stupid.

Tori keeps it real, on Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears et al. Click Here To Read More

Behind every great man...

I found this video rather instructing.

Come to think of it, have you ever seen Kylie Minogue and George Michael on the same place at the same time? Is that why he's baked all the time, to keep himself in his 'lower range'? (And how low can he go, anyway?) And is that why he's asking for 'Fast love' while she begs to go 'Slow'? And if you slow down Britney's music, how does that sound like? Clay Aiken? Or, at what speed do you have to play it for her to sound like an actual singer? And how slow must Paris be... to be finally declared mentally impaired? I think this just gives us a glimpse at Pandora's box. (Hey, at least it's not Britney's.) Click Here To Read More


I finally brought myself to create this den of debauchery and snarkiness. Tired of dealing with the toughts that stream out of my head, I decided to share them with the world. I hope you enjoy. Click Here To Read More