McCain gets McAble

A new episode on the McCain political saga.

Tom Gosinski Surfaces to Retell Cindy McCain Drug Story
Thu Sep 11, 2008 at 10:48:22 AM
By Amy Silverman

Tom Gosinski has surfaced. The guy who blew the whistle to New Times on Cindy McCain's prescription drug theft surfaced this week at a Holiday Inn in the Washington, D.C. area, telling his story again.

Full story here

On Cindy's defense we can say a few things:

- There's no other way to put up with John McCain than being high.

- Developing a drug habit it's the best way to create a selfless charity.

- You know she's a true Republican because she didn't use tax-payers money!

A great woman indeed... Click Here To Read More

Güey Awards: Lifetime A-cheatin' Award

Here are the nominees to the Award for achievement in non-acting one's age, bravely represented by the following (b)old performances:

- Harrison Ford, for not thinking he was too old to once again take on the role of Indiana Jones.

Out-of-the-ark stuff?

- Sarah Jessica Parker for not thinking she was too old to once again take on the role of Carrie Bradshaw.

Is that vintage?

- Madonna for not thinking he was too old to once again take on the role of femme-fatale in her new album and tour.

Senior-ita mas fina

Who will take home the prize? Stay tuned... Click Here To Read More

Hairism: Exile On No-Mane Street?

A new social phenomenon has taken over the watercooler conversations of sociologist all around the world. (Bear in mind that in the workspaces of sociologists, watercoolers are not a casual meeting point, but they're kept under glass and mantained under strict observation, given the significant social barometer they constitute.) This new phenomenon is that of hairism, which is a form of discrimination against those of individuals who enjoy less hair density (if any) than other people.


Studies have shown McDreamy's magnetic appeal drops dramatically when his hair does.

First symptom was the emergence of an organization called Brothers Against Lack-of-hairers Difamation (B.A.L.D.) This society was formed to stop negative portrayal of hair-impaired people (PC term) in the media. Shorn Blunt, the (hairless) head of this organization points out: "The mainstream media portrayal of follicularly impaired people is always negative. We saw this earlier with action film villains like Lex Luthor and Darth Vader. But now it's even worse. You watch Ironman and you can tell who the bad guys are just because they have no hair." According to Blunt: "They overlook the fact that our people has given so much to the arts and sciences, people like William Shakespeare and Mr. Clean." Recent Britney Spears' bald head episode didn't help matters.

Whether this social trend will take off will remain to be seen but, just in case, John McCain is already looking for a way to incorporate this into his political strategy, claiming "Democrats are not the only ones who can play the minority card."

Side effects: dramatic increase on the research for hair-loss prevention on animals has lead to questionable results.

For more info and moral support visit Balds R US.com

... Click Here To Read More

Australians demand to have their country relocated.

Australians have taken to the streets, in a massive plea to have their country change its geographical location.

For ages, Australians haven't been very happy with their situation, occupying a spot on the globe which is scientifically referred to as 'the armpit of Earth.' "It sucks not to have a neighboring country" says one unhappy citizen "You see how Venezuela and Colombia, or Iraq and Afghanistan, how much fun they have with each other, and we have been deprived of that experience." Situation only became worse recently after the Spice Girls decided to cancel their concert dates Down Under altogether,but the straw that broke the camel's back was when Madonna announced that she would also skip the country in her upcoming tour. "We're missing all these great concerts, nobody wants to play here because it's too f*cking far!" says one concerned Aussie. As to where they want to be placed, Australians will soon launch a referendum to decide on a new location. "I don't think it will be in North America because, you know, they already have Canada. But it will surely be somewhere in the Northern Hemisphere because there's something so wrong about putting up a Christmas tree in the summer. It has to come to an end." claims a person knowledgeable in the subject. Recent polls say public opinion leans toward 'a nice spot in the Mediterranean or near Africa,' with most people rooting for a spot near Gaza strip , since they've heard it seems to be quite a hot spot. Click Here To Read More

Good On Paper

Here at The Güey Watcher are proud to present you with our initiative to expand our business to the publishing world. That's right, coming soon to a bookstore near you The Güey Watcher Books. Right now we're busy working on building our author roster, but I think it's safe to present you with a preliminary list of the titles we'll be happy to bring you soon enough.

- How To Kill Yourself Or Die Trying, by Owen Wilson

- The Thin Red Line (Or Flashing For Dummies), by Britney Spears

- State Of Denial, by Clay Aiken

- A Body for Life, by Mo'Nique (we went with this title since we figured A Never-ending Ass might have turned off some readers.)

- The Purpose Driven Life, by Anna Nicole Smith

Hope you enjoy our selection and if you have any suggestion as to the authors and titles you'd like to see in our list, you're more than welcome to post in the comment section below.

* Click Here To Read More

Exclusiva: Ker-ching of Pop

According toReuters:

"Michael Jackson's famed Neverland Valley Ranch in California will be foreclosed and sold on March 19 unless the pop star pays a balance of nearly $25 million, property records showed on Tuesday."

Surprisingly, as it happens everytime he's in financial trouble, the singer is resorting to yet another rehash of his repertoire of hits, via an album called Thriller 25. So if you didn't have the chance to buy Billie Jean in the original Thriller, or in HIStory, Blood On The Dancefloor, and Number Ones, here's your chance!

Now, ever the selfless souls, here at Güey Watcher we have come up with other entrepreneurial ventures that might be more profitable for the financially challenged chanteur.

Here's the list of products we could see Michael launching to great success:

- Jesus Juice. Instant booze! Turns wine into water in no time! This ish is biblical, man! Ideal for frat parties but, hey, be careful not to leave it around unsuspecting underage people (wink, wink.)

- Mr. Potato Head: Michael Jackson Edition. Have as much fun redoing his face as many times as you want! It's no skin off his nose! (...Or is it?)

- Inflatable Liz Taylor sidekick doll. Have endless fun trying to blow her up in full! Get all your family in on the good times! Your gay soirees have never been this classy.

- Yo-yo Baby. Extra-expandable baby leash. Dangle your favorite infant off the highest balcony. Comes with a full 'how-to' manual, so you can learn to perform tricks as 'the pyramid' and 'the human gazpacho.'

If these products don't do the trick, Michael, you can always try one of the following tactics: you can sell the Beatles' catalogue in parts, I'm sure a lot of guys would like to own that catchy 'number nine' from the White Album. Or you can charge royalties to all those comedy writers whose job you've made so much easer over the years.

Whatchu waitin' for, Jacko? Don't let the deprive you from your God-given right to be black-mailed. To paraphrase South Park: "there's no point in taking another poor black man to court."


Michael's finances take a nose dive. Click Here To Read More

Mouth Wide Shut: Worst Movie Dialogue Ever

Entertainment Weekly has a new feature on the Worst Movie Dialogue Ever. IMO I think they skipped a very few good candidates. Here's my list of snubs in that category:

"It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble."
-Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) as she tries to seduce Larry (Ben Affleck) in Gigli.

"We ask ourselves, is she black? Is she white? We don't care. She's exotic. I want to see more of her breasts."
-A video director as he works the set for Billie's (Mariah Carey) video in Glitter.

"The glitter must not overpower the artist!" See movie above.

"Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... For tonight, we dine in hell!"
-King Leonidas' motivational/nutrition-conscious speech in (Gerard Butler) in 300.

Dr. Sarah Taylor (Rebecca De Mornay): Mr. Ramirez, my mother taught me never to talk to strangers.
Tony Ramirez (Antonio Banderas): If you never talk to strangers, you'll never meet anyone new.
From Never Talk To Strangers.

"The Buddhist have a saying, 'If you meet your master on the road, kill him.' "
-Zen-like serial killer in the aforementioned movie.

"I am Ripper... Tearer... Slasher... I am the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. Mine is Strength... and Lust... and Power! I AM BEOWULF!"
-Frustrated Spartan Beowulf (Ray Winston) in Beowulf.

"Yes, I'd love to do this movie"
-Words spoken off-camera by Rob Scnheider before any of his movies.

What do you think, Güey Watchers? Do you have any additions you'd like to make to this list in the comments section? I know you do... Click Here To Read More

Exclusiva: Madonna Swears Off Homos

Long-time gay icon Madonna, has decided to abdicate her throne as empress of the gay Universe, sources revealed. Speculation started at this year's Jingle Ball in Philadelphia, where producer Timbaland leaked a not-quite-HQ snippet of their upcoming collaboration, 4 Minutes To Save The World, rumored to be the first single of her upcoming album Hard Candy. Reportedly, when the crowd heard the decidedly urban-driven, radio-friendly sound of the song, everyone wondered 'Is Madge going all ex-gay on us? What's next, Scientology?' A confused local homosexual had this to say about the track: 'It's weird. This song doesn't make me want to wear Diesel jeans and do alkyl-nitrate. I don't understand.'

We approached a close acquaintance of Madonna's regarding these rumors, and here's what they had to say: "It's true. Madonna it's very disappointed with the gays. It's not like in the old days. Now, they're too busy starting families, adopting kids-- either in real life or vicariously through Angelina on TMZ; both ways equally exhausting, if you ask me. They don't pay attention to her anymore." According to this souce, originally Madge had reckoned her last album didn't do as expected because it wasn't gay enough. [And we're talking about an all disco-anthem CD featuring her in a fuchsia leotard humping a disco ball on the cover.] So she decided to take a more aggressive approach. "Her new album was going to be all homo-centric. Gay-themed versions of her classics." Tracks rumored to be included in this never-materialized album were: 'Dye Another Gay', 'Hung Wop', 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Me', 'Open Your Arse', and 'Take A Bow... now!' However, she gave up on the project when she realized the gay community had push her aside, to focus their attention on more transcendental issues like Marriage Rights, Defamation in the media and all that manmeat in 300.


The source claims that she had exhausted every gay-porn imagery available -from
cowboy to military themes- and was even considering dressing up as a college quarterback for her upcoming album cover, before finally deciding to give up on the fanbase that seemed to have forsaken her. That doesn't mean she hasn't broken a few hearts in the process. 'I want her to go back to when you could see her in her videos, wearing the snuggest outfits, flexing her guns, and trying to blend in with people a third her age. That's what being gay stands for!' stated a certain Idaho Senator who wished to remain anonymous.

So while some remain skeptical of her pursuit of the younger, straighter ones, we'll go ahead and trust Madonna's savvy commercial instincts on this. After all, it is this way that she has managed to stick around long enough for us to be able to watch her leak at 50. Click Here To Read More

Exclusiva: Personal (Shopper) Jesus

"What Would Jesus Buy?" is the title of a new documentary produced by Morgan Spurlock, designed to portrait the anti-consumerism efforts of an artist to convert people to his "Church of Stop Shopping." Although probably intended as a rhetorical question, the title sparked our curiosity enough to have a brief interview with the original life-savior JC himself, so he could give us some insight into what items made it into his shopping list this season. Here's what we got.



SHOPPER PROFILE
Name: Jesus Of Nazareth
Occupation: Messiah, (also known for his brief stint as a painting model during the Renaissance)
Age: 33
Ethnicity: Jewish, Middle-Eastern.

WHAT'S ON MY WISH LIST

1) When In Rome, (DVD). Starring Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen.

JC Sez: "I like the Olsen twins. Other people claim to follow my footsteps, but they're the ones who try harder. From the Boho look, to the cult status, to the endless fasting, they really 'nail' it -no pun intended. I also like Rome. I don't know why, but I always feel at home over there."

2) Crocs Clogs.

JC Sez: "Very useful when waking on damp surfaces like, you know, water."

3) SAMPAR Skin Care products.

JC Sez: : "Not for me, though. It's for all those lepers I cured. I feel I kinda owe them. They didn't have to worry about these things before I came along. All I can say to them is 'I can give you back your skin but, daily moisturizing, that's a whole nother issue.' "

4) Cher- The Farewell Tour (DVD)

JC Sez: "I've always sympathized with Cher. We've both achieved success without the help of a last name and we've been around for about the same time. However, I never had a particular interest in her, until this thing kept popping up on my Amazon.com recommendations list. All I did was type that I was 33 and single. Odd."

5) Electric Wood Chipper

JC Sez: "Next time they won't get me, I'll be waiting for them! (Laughs) Just kidding."

PRODUCTS THAT WILL NEVER MAKE IT TO YOUR SHOPPING LIST: "Anything related to The Da Vinci Code. But not because of what they say about me. It's just that Tom Hanks mane. It's just sinful."

Alright, people. These are a few things to keep in mind. After all, His birthday is just around the corner. Click Here To Read More