Friday, November 30, 2007

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 24-Nov. 30)

- British teacher in Sudan sentenced to prison, possible lashing for letting toddlers name a Teddy bear after Muslim prophet. As for the other parties involved, the kids were penalized with a harsher sentence of no naps for a week and removal of all non-primary color crayon privileges.

- Diplomatic relations between UK and Sudan strained after Teddy bear incident, while angry mob calls for the teacher's execution. However, the 'Muhammed bear' has still a way to go before decrowning Mortimer The Traveling Bear as 2007 Most Maleficient Cuddle Toy.

- Shocking study reveals two thirds of NYU students would up give up their right to vote for a year's tuition, while 20% say an iPhone touch would do. Politicians: don't be discouraged just yet. These people are known to drop their price tag after two beers and a roofie.

- Dutch police arrests teenager for stealing virtual furniture from social networking site. Who could have foreseen that technology would provide with all these brand new venues of crime for OJ Simpson to perpetrate and get acquitted of?

- Canadians' beer drinking habit might be a threat to the environment. Dude, first Celine Dion and now this?.

THIS JUST IN: Study Says Waiting Too Long to Have Sex Linked to Sexual Dysfunction Later in Life. Producers of Porky's, American Pie as well as impatient high school boyfriends everywhere to be presented with medal of honor for selfless services in the field of public health.

Not since the times of Helen of Troy has the world seen so much political turmoil over some dusty 'ol piece of rug. Click Here To Read More

True Dat, Rat (Part 2)

Pearls Before Swine, by Stephan Pastis

From here Click Here To Read More

Thursday, November 29, 2007

ProcrasTV: Gimme Moore

This is a video for the intersecting demographics of fans of hefty lefty Michael Moore, prison-docs watchers and Scandinavophiliacs in general. Sweet place indeed, but bear in mind this kind of social stability can't be achieved overnight.

(Unless you live in a country where night lasts for six months.)

Nor-Güey, Jose! Click Here To Read More

Monday, November 26, 2007

Exclusiva: Personal (Shopper) Jesus

"What Would Jesus Buy?" is the title of a new documentary produced by Morgan Spurlock, designed to portrait the anti-consumerism efforts of an artist to convert people to his "Church of Stop Shopping." Although probably intended as a rhetorical question, the title sparked our curiosity enough to have a brief interview with the original life-savior JC himself, so he could give us some insight into what items made it into his shopping list this season. Here's what we got.

Name: Jesus Of Nazareth
Occupation: Messiah, (also known for his brief stint as a painting model during the Renaissance)
Age: 33
Ethnicity: Jewish, Middle-Eastern.


1) When In Rome, (DVD). Starring Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen.

JC Sez: "I like the Olsen twins. Other people claim to follow my footsteps, but they're the ones who try harder. From the Boho look, to the cult status, to the endless fasting, they really 'nail' it -no pun intended. I also like Rome. I don't know why, but I always feel at home over there."

2) Crocs Clogs.

JC Sez: "Very useful when waking on damp surfaces like, you know, water."

3) SAMPAR Skin Care products.

JC Sez: : "Not for me, though. It's for all those lepers I cured. I feel I kinda owe them. They didn't have to worry about these things before I came along. All I can say to them is 'I can give you back your skin but, daily moisturizing, that's a whole nother issue.' "

4) Cher- The Farewell Tour (DVD)

JC Sez: "I've always sympathized with Cher. We've both achieved success without the help of a last name and we've been around for about the same time. However, I never had a particular interest in her, until this thing kept popping up on my recommendations list. All I did was type that I was 33 and single. Odd."

5) Electric Wood Chipper

JC Sez: "Next time they won't get me, I'll be waiting for them! (Laughs) Just kidding."

PRODUCTS THAT WILL NEVER MAKE IT TO YOUR SHOPPING LIST: "Anything related to The Da Vinci Code. But not because of what they say about me. It's just that Tom Hanks mane. It's just sinful."

Alright, people. These are a few things to keep in mind. After all, His birthday is just around the corner. Click Here To Read More

Friday, November 23, 2007

Maybe Sesame Street really isn't suitable for children after all...

Late Bird special.

Happy Thanksgiving!

From here Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 17-Nov. 23)

- Citizens of Lebanon left in confusion, as huge void sits atop of its government. This wouldn't happen in America. Here they would promptly find a way to have the vacuum re-elected for a second term and have it send the country to war.

- Writers' strike blamed on delaying Da Vinci Code prequel, starring Tom Hanks and his hair. And you thought the whole point of a strike was to make people fear it would have a negative impact on their lives.

- A new film starring Angelina Jolie as a cave-dwelling reptilian creature that preys on men's weaknesses, to seduce them and destroy them, opens in the US. And aside from this interesting Jennifer Aniston-financed documentary, the film Beowulf also hits theatres.

- Detroit named most dangerous city in the US. And if you have a problem with that, the city will smash you with another Supremes-inspired movie-musical starring Beyoncé.

- Surgeons remove ten-pound hairball from woman's stomach. On the lighter side, we finally get to know who's Jodie Foster been dating all this time. Click Here To Read More

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Times are a-changin'

A few signs that times might be catching up wtih us:

- Big Bird's early DVD's relegated to adult section. In which, with a name like that, we foresee a great future.

- Born to be wired. Hollywood young'uns just can't wait to have their first OD, can't they?

- This isn't your grandma's nude calendar. ...Or is it?

- My old mule ain't what it used to be. Drug mule, that is.

Big Bird and Adult Videos: Birds of a feather...? Click Here To Read More

Friday, November 16, 2007

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 10-Nov. 16)

- Britney outraged at positive drug test result. Blames it on asthma inhaler. That would have gone down well, hadn't the authorities realized that Brit tends to fill her inhaler with crack-cocaine.

- Up to ten deaths that occurred in the US in the last 18 months, have been attributed to a strain of the common cold. Different government organizations join forces in an effort to keep this news hidden from overprotective mothers and grandmas all over the nation.

- Doomsday cult in southern Russia hole up, threaten massive suicide. Luckily, Tom Cruise showed up to relieve the tension with a fresh pitcher of Kool Aid!

- Lohan completes daylong sentence in just 84 minutes. This is not the first time she shows her gift for outpacing the world. Let's not forget her successful attempt to look like a middle-aged stripper by age 21.

- Spanish King Tells Venezuelan President Chavez to 'Shut Up.' Yes but, where was he when Chavez was recording his Ranchero CD? Click Here To Read More

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Guey Awards: Best UnAcceptance Speech 2007, new additions.

Here's a few additions to the candidates to this blog's own Güey Award for Best UnAcceptance Speech 2007. As you all now, the winner in this category will take home a golden statue of Cleopatra, Queen of de Nile. The award is bestowed upon the gentleman of homosexual persuasion who comes up with the best excuse after being caught red handed cruising for a bruising. The newest additions are:

1) "I was feeling sick, my friend was only trying to help me."
- Boyband US5's Richie Stringini, explaining why he was photographed shirtless at a Berlin gay club's bathroom stall, with the aforementioned friend's face in his crotch.

2) "He said he was going to take me to a party with 'really cool girls."
- Mexican gossip TV reporter Fabian Lavalle, after being found tied up and beaten up, at a seedy hotel into which he checked in with a guy who 'turned out' to be a male escort.

Here's the breakdown:

According to the experts, Mr. Lavalle has definitely have to score some extra points for his chuzpah. He wants people to believe he picked up a random guy on a Mexico City street, in the middle of the night, and followed him into a sketchy hotel because some 'cool ladies' were waiting for him. Because, you know, that's what famous TV straight guys have to resort to when trying to score some poo tang. A famous guy driving a bimmer is such a turn off that they have to recruit the wingman services of the much more appealing male prostitute.

However, hats -and maybe other things- have to be tipped to Mr. Stringini who, instead of hugging the spotlight, decides to give his friend well-deserved props. According to his version, he was feeling ill in such a way, that his friend had to take him into a bathroom stall, take his shirt off and sink his face in his crotch, runnning the risk of people misinterpreting the situation, all to make the singer feel better. I'm not sure about the healing effects of such maneuvre but, hey, I wish I had more friends who'd be willing to do the same for me. Oh, and he also claims he had no idea the club was gay. Right. Now, you might not have heard of this band US5, but apparently they're big in Germany. As to how big, well, you might have to ask Richie's friend.

So it seems the race for this award is getting tighter. Let's see how things turn out when the time comes to hand out the prize, which is rumoured to be presented by Clay Aiken. Stay tuned. Click Here To Read More

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 3-Nov. 9)

- Tom Cruise spotted waiting for Katie Holmes at NY Marathon's finishing line. Strangely, at the sight of him, she proceeded to turn around and started running another 20 miles in the opposite direction.

- Dancing With The Stars contestants worried over rumored curse on the show's former participants. Because, you know, these guys were SO on a roll before the show.

- A-Rod allegedly walks out 'cause team won't meet $350 million pricetag. Man, please! Think of all these poor kids in Africa who can't afford tickets to watch the Yankees suck.

- Little girl in India scheduled for surgery to have her extra set of extremities removed. Parents said to use spare limbs to pay for outstanding iPhone bill.

- Singer Amy Winehouse cries as her husband goes to jail. They tried to make me give a damn about it and I said 'No, no, no.' Click Here To Read More

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Quote Of The Day

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Deep thoughts left on the walls of dowtown Manhattan's Palais Royal. Click Here To Read More

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

True Dat, Rat

Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis

From here. Click Here To Read More

ProcrasTV: Travel and Culture

Another reason why I root for Japanese world domination.

Click Here To Read More

NewsQuiz: Short Essay Edition.

In the event that the world world turned into a Big Brother kind of of show -and at the rate reality programming is going, that's not so far fetched- and the two people nominated to be voted off the house were Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and gossip blogger Perez HIlton, who would you vote off and why? Please provide a short answer below. Click Here To Read More

Friday, November 2, 2007

ProcrasTV: Pimp My Video Spoof Edition.

In case you needed yet another excuse not to be productive today, here's a selection of a very few funny takes on very popular videos. Some of them achieved the impressive feat of being even more ludicrous than the originals. Enjoy.

Alanis Morissette "My Humps"

Britney Spears "Gimme More (Pills)"

Madonna "Movies"

Got a favorite video spoof? You're more than welcome to share it in the comment section of this post. Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roudnup (Oct. 27-Nov. 2)

- Marriage 'Expert' on Saudi TV Advises Men in 'Right Way' to Beat Their Wives. World quickly conjures secret plot to set him up with Ann Coulter.

- Man puts Texas for sale on eBay. Pulls down the ad after realizing the legal consequences of such a sizeable offer of armament and trans fat.

- Bush declares "History teaches us that underestimating the words of evil, ambitious men is a terrible mistake." Somewhere in the world, Alanis Morissette is checking the weather forecast for her wedding day.

- US charity launches coffee-scented condoms in Ethiopia. They will come in sizes tall, grande and '...can't we just cuddle?'

- Former Football Player Sues Iona College After Losing Leg to Staph Infection C'mon, man. What would be going to college without catching some nasty bug? Click Here To Read More

NewsQuiz: Britney Speaks.

Subject: Music, Entertainment.

In her new single, Britney Spears daringly asks the world "Do you want a piece of me?"

From the following sentences, pick the one that completes this note the best.

a) This comes to add itself to the list of traits that make the singer similar to a KFC bucket.

b) The world then responded with a collective 'No, thanks, Britney. We're on a low-fat diet.'

c) This and her skimpy VMA outfit just go to show that even after the media, Justin, K-Fed, Perez Hilton and the DMV have helped themselves... man, there's still a TON of Britney to go around.

d) Federal authorities and record executives are still trying to find someone who genuinly cares about this. Click Here To Read More