Friday, October 26, 2007

Weekly News Roudnup (Oct. 20-26)

- Bronx priest outraged at drug transactions effectuated inside his church. Hey, if you had to sit through his sermons, you'd be trying to score a little booster too.

- New Yorkers scorned as Giuliani expresses support for Red Sox. Hey, we're OK with you bailing out on the Democratic Party, double-crossing your first and second wives, doing business with Chavez, but THIS??? Have you got no decency?!

- 'Lost' actor has DUI charges dropped. Authorities were fed up with waiting for him to be done with his emotional flashback.

- Britney horrifies the world with her plump lips. On the bright side, this time she managed to do it while keeping her panties on.

- Dumbledore is gay. Really? The mature, single gentleman, who wears Kathy-Bates-like dresses and has a flare for dramatic entrances? You don't say! Click Here To Read More

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

ProcrasTV: Cult freaks and Coult er

Welcome to this new section of my blog. For those in need of some distraction at work, but can't be bothered to find your own YouTube fix, I present you a few selections.

A new fascist instrument of mind domination has been exposed by my fellow Güeymen south of the border. It's this video called 'Obedece a la Morsa,' roughly translated as 'Obey the Walrus.' Hmmm, is that what dubbya's middle initial stands for?

But I have to say my favorite take on this Goddess Bunny-inspired clip comes from this candid customization.

Now, a freak of nature of a different kind is masterfully portraited by Drew Barrymore in this hillarious SNL sketch, which I hope you enjoy.

UPDATE: It seems the video with Drew Barrymore as Ann Coulter was removed, but you can find another earlier version of this sketch here.

Now please be so kind to get back to work, right agüey. Thank you. Click Here To Read More

Monday, October 22, 2007

Guey Awards: Best UnAcceptance Speech 2007

The front-runners in this race are:

1) "I have a wide stance."
- Republican Sen. Larry Craig when asked to explain why he was playing footsie with an undercover cop at a Minneapolis airport bathroom. As to why he was sneaking his hand under the wall stall to reach the officer? "I was trying to pick up a piece of paper."

2) "Cruising the Internet for minors? No, I was just doing field research for my psychiatric work."
- Italian priest Tommaso Stenico after he was secretly filmed making advances to a young man he met online.

3) "I'm not gay. I just offered the stocky black guy $20 and oral sex because I was afraid I'd be attacked by him and the other black men in the area"
-Florida Republican Legislator Bob Allen, after being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover cop in a Florida public restroom. Allen claims he feared becoming "another statistic."

What the experts say:

Given that this award is given on the merits of creative writing (e.g. talking your way out of a crappy spot.), it's hard to pick a winner. Experts and pundits point out that all of them have cleverly resorted to sensitive issues to justify their actions.

Here's the breakdown:

Stenico wanted to show how the Catholic Church is embracing the new millenium, by using the information superhighway to do what's been doing for years: reach out to, er, touch the heads of youngsters everywhere.

On the other hand, Larry Craig opted for a more sophisticated approach. He cleverly throws you off by making you ponder 'why would anyone want to pick-up a piece of paper -hell, ANYTHING at all- from the nasty floor of an airport bathroom?' But he knows you'll find the answer quickly: Global Warming. By valiantly saving that piece of paper from ending up un-recycled, Mr. Craig made sure he was on his way to make his 'wide' carbon footprint a bit smaller. Hey, if that angle made people watch a documentary starring Al Gore...

But my money has to be on Bob Allen. First of all, he trusts the audience will automatically empathize with his argument, because clearly everyone knows that the best way to avoid being attacked by a bunch of black dudes -even if they're just roaming around minding their own business- is, of course, offering them 20 bucks and a bj (second only to distracting them with a basketball.) This strategy never fails, and if you're good enough at it, it might even get you a guest spot in an upcoming urban radio hit. Second, he hopes that instead of being labeled gay, people will hopefully out him as racist and send him to rehab. Rehab! All that free press and rounds of post-rehab talk show time! You have to admit chunky's got brains. Plus, Allen must be rubbing his hands together, at the thought of being stranded 28 days with only him, Isaiah Washington and a wad of twenties.

So as you can see these favorites will be tough to beat, but I guess we'll have to wait until the year is over until all is said and done. Click Here To Read More

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

News Quiz: This note has legs.

"Authorities To Return Amputated Leg To South Carolina Man

MAIDEN, N.C. -- Authorities say a South Carolina man who mistakenly lost his amputated leg when it was sold in a barbecue smoker at a public auction will get the appendage back.
John Wood had been battling to regain custody of the leg from Shannon Whisnant. Whisnant found the leg in a barbecue smoker he purchased at an auction of Wood's belongings last week.
Wood's leg was amputated three years ago after an airplane crash. He had been keeping the leg so it could be cremated with him when he dies."

From the following sentences, choose the one that better completes the previous newsnote:

a) This is the most ridiculous redneck feud over a human body part since Tommy Lee and Kid Rock fought over Pamela Anderson's ass at the VMA's.

b) Paris Hilton released a statement expressing her simpathy, claiming she knows what it feels to go through life not knowing where your legs are going to end up next.

c) It's been rumoured that Lindsay Lohan has demanded the right to personally inspect the barbecue smoker closely, thinking that could be the place where she left her dignity.

d)The former owner of the leg said it'd be sad to see his limb go, but on the other hand he seemd optimitstic since he has been offered custody of Britney's kids.

Click Here To Read More

News Quiz: IRANGAyTE

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon."

From the following sentences, choose the one that better completes the previous newsnote:

a) The President then added "...we just have a lot of men who get curious and frisky when drunk."

b) "We just have a lot of sensitive, good looking men who haven't found the right girl yet."

c) I guess that would account for the beige carpeting, pleaded khaki and nasal hair epidemic.

d), who designs all those cute burqas then?

e) In other news, Madonna just cancelled her future tour dates in Teheran, and Diesel stores have undefinitely folded their plans to set shop in the region.

f) Funny. My dad made a similar statement once regarding his family...

Click Here To Read More

I'm with stupid.

Tori keeps it real, on Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears et al. Click Here To Read More

Behind every great man...

I found this video rather instructing.

Come to think of it, have you ever seen Kylie Minogue and George Michael on the same place at the same time? Is that why he's baked all the time, to keep himself in his 'lower range'? (And how low can he go, anyway?) And is that why he's asking for 'Fast love' while she begs to go 'Slow'? And if you slow down Britney's music, how does that sound like? Clay Aiken? Or, at what speed do you have to play it for her to sound like an actual singer? And how slow must Paris be... to be finally declared mentally impaired? I think this just gives us a glimpse at Pandora's box. (Hey, at least it's not Britney's.) Click Here To Read More


I finally brought myself to create this den of debauchery and snarkiness. Tired of dealing with the toughts that stream out of my head, I decided to share them with the world. I hope you enjoy. Click Here To Read More