Guey Awards: Best UnAcceptance Speech 2007

The front-runners in this race are:

1) "I have a wide stance."
- Republican Sen. Larry Craig when asked to explain why he was playing footsie with an undercover cop at a Minneapolis airport bathroom. As to why he was sneaking his hand under the wall stall to reach the officer? "I was trying to pick up a piece of paper."

2) "Cruising the Internet for minors? No, I was just doing field research for my psychiatric work."
- Italian priest Tommaso Stenico after he was secretly filmed making advances to a young man he met online.

3) "I'm not gay. I just offered the stocky black guy $20 and oral sex because I was afraid I'd be attacked by him and the other black men in the area"
-Florida Republican Legislator Bob Allen, after being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover cop in a Florida public restroom. Allen claims he feared becoming "another statistic."

What the experts say:

Given that this award is given on the merits of creative writing (e.g. talking your way out of a crappy spot.), it's hard to pick a winner. Experts and pundits point out that all of them have cleverly resorted to sensitive issues to justify their actions.

Here's the breakdown:

Stenico wanted to show how the Catholic Church is embracing the new millenium, by using the information superhighway to do what's been doing for years: reach out to, er, touch the heads of youngsters everywhere.

On the other hand, Larry Craig opted for a more sophisticated approach. He cleverly throws you off by making you ponder 'why would anyone want to pick-up a piece of paper -hell, ANYTHING at all- from the nasty floor of an airport bathroom?' But he knows you'll find the answer quickly: Global Warming. By valiantly saving that piece of paper from ending up un-recycled, Mr. Craig made sure he was on his way to make his 'wide' carbon footprint a bit smaller. Hey, if that angle made people watch a documentary starring Al Gore...

But my money has to be on Bob Allen. First of all, he trusts the audience will automatically empathize with his argument, because clearly everyone knows that the best way to avoid being attacked by a bunch of black dudes -even if they're just roaming around minding their own business- is, of course, offering them 20 bucks and a bj (second only to distracting them with a basketball.) This strategy never fails, and if you're good enough at it, it might even get you a guest spot in an upcoming urban radio hit. Second, he hopes that instead of being labeled gay, people will hopefully out him as racist and send him to rehab. Rehab! All that free press and rounds of post-rehab talk show time! You have to admit chunky's got brains. Plus, Allen must be rubbing his hands together, at the thought of being stranded 28 days with only him, Isaiah Washington and a wad of twenties.

So as you can see these favorites will be tough to beat, but I guess we'll have to wait until the year is over until all is said and done.