News Roundup, April 22

- US families claim to be forced to pick between gas and food. Thank God there's still Taco Bell which gives you both in one.

- Sony comes up with wafer-thin TV. It's designed to make Vh1's programming look more substantial.

- Michael Bolton, Celine Dion make it to list of top ten most annoying singers. Showbiz moguls from Vegas are ready to contact the rest of winners who don't have a show deal already.

- Hillary connected to Angelina, Madonna by DNA. Sources rushed to clarify they were not talking about Bill's, but her own.

- Former Bush press secretary becomes TV pundit. People thought he was brilliant until they realized they weren't watching Stephen Colbert Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Feb. 10-Feb 16)

- Paris Hilton in trouble due to pets' sex behavior. Hey, tinkerbell see, tinkerbell do.

- Polaroid cancels production of instant film. A chapter in the book of amateur porn is sadly closed.

- Amy Winehouse to give Grammy to her imprisoned husband. He politely turned it down, arguing he didn't need any more incentives for cell mates to find him attractive.

- Sex offender wins $10 milion lottery. He will now be referred to as 'a gentleman of eccentric sexual habits.'

- Authorities evacuate L.A. airport terminal due to suspicious comment from passenger. The suspect caused havoc after innocently remarking 'I have a wide stance' inside the airport's restroom. Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Feb. 3-Feb 9)

- Young@Heart, new documentary about senior citizens rocking the stage, opens nationwide. Martin Scorsese's upcoming Rolling Stones tour documentary no longer seems fresh.

- Woman in small Mexican town murders daughters to keep them from losing their virginity. Trust me, when you in a small Mexican town, being on a sexual roll is not as much of a threat as it seems to be.

- Overhyped, overpaid Tom Brady Miserably Fails To Meet Fans' Expectations. And that's as close to an American David Beckham as we'll ever get.

- U.S. government acknowledges use of waterboarding. Justify their actions by claiming no other interrogation tactic has proven to be so successful when trying to get useful information out of perfectly innocent people.

- Nebraska Supreme Court outlaws use of the electric chair, labels it 'cruel and unusual punishment.' 'Cause we all know anything beyond waterboarding is distasteful. Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Jan 20-27)

- Study finds false statements led to Iraq war. C'mon, we all know it was all Jon Stewart's ploy to ensure a presidential term's worth of material.

- Bin Laden's son out to bring peace, wants to meet with President Bush. Request to skip metal detector raises suspicion.

- $20 dollar bill found next to Heath's Ledger's body. This is New York. Whatever you do, don't leave without tipping.

- Lenny Kraviz says he's been celibate for the last three years. Seriously, what does dating Nicole Kidman do to people?

- 'Cloverfield' making moviegoers feel sick. People had to watch it twice to make sure Mariah Carey's not in it. Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Jan 6- Jan. 13)

- Al-Qaida uses women as suicide attackers. Osama reportedly happy to mock "them poor Americans with their woman President candidate, thinking they're at the forefront of gender equality. Haha."

- Twins who were separated at birth got married, had marriage anulled. It's a shame the rules of the world had to come and dissolve this beautiful, moving tale of unadulterated narcissism.

- Clooney and Spielberg to step in and attempt to re-ignite WGA strike talks. Clooney will walk in with a conveniently disheveled tuxedo and talk them into a sequel to The Good German. It can't go wrong.

- Britney Spears steps out in wedding dress. She's trying to cut corners in her usually sluggish path to the altar.

- Hundreds travel pantless for annual No Pants Subway Ride. So now you know what it means when the PA says to watch out for a 'suspicious package'.


Strap hangin'

... Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 29- Jan. 5)

- Leno back on the air sans scribes. Puhleeze. That jawline alone can spawn a month's worth of punchlines.

- Britney hospitalized, ditched by lawyers. Inspired by Leno's example, Britney proceeds to continue sparking comedy without writers.

- Hillary finishes third on Iowa cacus, retooling strategy in NH. A 'big black woman' latex suit is being made for the ocasion.

- Man falls from Manhattan skyscraper, lives to tell the horror.On the downside, the building was taken off The Suicidal Traveler's Top Ten Hot Spots list.

- Women stuck 2 days in elevator Felt sense of relief when they finally made it all the way to the top of Dolly Parton's wig.

THIS JUST IN:
- Friends Stand Up For Saudi Jailed Blogger. Unlike, you know, other blogger's friends who would leave him abandoned with a demented Chinese prostitute in a Thai prison after a horrible misunderstanding involving such blogger's ignorance of the country's sodomy laws. You bastards! You will rue the day!! I mean, huh? Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 15- Dec. 21)

- Panthers' fans to use Jessica Simpson masks to jinx Cowboys. Always the good sport, Jessica offered to hook them up with the surgeon that gave her hers.

- Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister reveals she's pregnant. True to Spears clan form, she added that the baby is a girl, which in turn is scheduled to deliver her own baby as soon as she gets out of the womb.

- Ailing leader Fidel Castro says he doesn't intend to cling to power forever. Phew, just in time to avoid being stigmatized as a dictator.

- Store-employee learns co-worker is birth mom. The 22-year-old man reportedly regrets that in all these years hadn't thought of paging her through the PA before.

- Study shows sex ed in schools may help delay teen sex."Not if I can help it" said Britney Spears' mom, before letting out an ever-so-wicked laughter... Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 1- Dec. 7)

- Syria blocks Facebook over fears of Israeli "infiltration" of Syrian social networks on the Net. Israel retaliated by letting Esther and her Spicy Webcam unleash her spamming fury on their MySpace.

- Miss California USA Pageant officials rectify error, crown new beauty queen. When questioned about the cause of this error, the organizers simply filpped their blond bangs back, giggled girlishly and said 'World peace!'

- Iowa Mom Gets Probation for Attempting to Sell 4-Year-Old Son to Pay for Wedding Dress. Oh, the nerve. Doesn't she know it's dishonest and offensive to try to sell an individual not old enough to either sow buttons or strip dance?

- German authorities seek to ban Scientology, calling it 'a commercial enterprise that takes advantage of vulnerable people.' And therefore, unlike any other organized religion in history. Amen.

- Rhino poop auctioned on eBay for charity. Expect it to be the most overpriced piece of dung ever (...at least until Paris Hilton gets another record deal.) Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 24-Nov. 30)

- British teacher in Sudan sentenced to prison, possible lashing for letting toddlers name a Teddy bear after Muslim prophet. As for the other parties involved, the kids were penalized with a harsher sentence of no naps for a week and removal of all non-primary color crayon privileges.

- Diplomatic relations between UK and Sudan strained after Teddy bear incident, while angry mob calls for the teacher's execution. However, the 'Muhammed bear' has still a way to go before decrowning Mortimer The Traveling Bear as 2007 Most Maleficient Cuddle Toy.

- Shocking study reveals two thirds of NYU students would up give up their right to vote for a year's tuition, while 20% say an iPhone touch would do. Politicians: don't be discouraged just yet. These people are known to drop their price tag after two beers and a roofie.

- Dutch police arrests teenager for stealing virtual furniture from social networking site. Who could have foreseen that technology would provide with all these brand new venues of crime for OJ Simpson to perpetrate and get acquitted of?

- Canadians' beer drinking habit might be a threat to the environment. Dude, first Celine Dion and now this?.

THIS JUST IN: Study Says Waiting Too Long to Have Sex Linked to Sexual Dysfunction Later in Life. Producers of Porky's, American Pie as well as impatient high school boyfriends everywhere to be presented with medal of honor for selfless services in the field of public health.


Not since the times of Helen of Troy has the world seen so much political turmoil over some dusty 'ol piece of rug. Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 17-Nov. 23)

- Citizens of Lebanon left in confusion, as huge void sits atop of its government. This wouldn't happen in America. Here they would promptly find a way to have the vacuum re-elected for a second term and have it send the country to war.

- Writers' strike blamed on delaying Da Vinci Code prequel, starring Tom Hanks and his hair. And you thought the whole point of a strike was to make people fear it would have a negative impact on their lives.

- A new film starring Angelina Jolie as a cave-dwelling reptilian creature that preys on men's weaknesses, to seduce them and destroy them, opens in the US. And aside from this interesting Jennifer Aniston-financed documentary, the film Beowulf also hits theatres.

- Detroit named most dangerous city in the US. And if you have a problem with that, the city will smash you with another Supremes-inspired movie-musical starring Beyoncé.

- Surgeons remove ten-pound hairball from woman's stomach. On the lighter side, we finally get to know who's Jodie Foster been dating all this time. Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 10-Nov. 16)

- Britney outraged at positive drug test result. Blames it on asthma inhaler. That would have gone down well, hadn't the authorities realized that Brit tends to fill her inhaler with crack-cocaine.

- Up to ten deaths that occurred in the US in the last 18 months, have been attributed to a strain of the common cold. Different government organizations join forces in an effort to keep this news hidden from overprotective mothers and grandmas all over the nation.

- Doomsday cult in southern Russia hole up, threaten massive suicide. Luckily, Tom Cruise showed up to relieve the tension with a fresh pitcher of Kool Aid!

- Lohan completes daylong sentence in just 84 minutes. This is not the first time she shows her gift for outpacing the world. Let's not forget her successful attempt to look like a middle-aged stripper by age 21.

- Spanish King Tells Venezuelan President Chavez to 'Shut Up.' Yes but, where was he when Chavez was recording his Ranchero CD? Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 3-Nov. 9)

- Tom Cruise spotted waiting for Katie Holmes at NY Marathon's finishing line. Strangely, at the sight of him, she proceeded to turn around and started running another 20 miles in the opposite direction.

- Dancing With The Stars contestants worried over rumored curse on the show's former participants. Because, you know, these guys were SO on a roll before the show.

- A-Rod allegedly walks out 'cause team won't meet $350 million pricetag. Man, please! Think of all these poor kids in Africa who can't afford tickets to watch the Yankees suck.

- Little girl in India scheduled for surgery to have her extra set of extremities removed. Parents said to use spare limbs to pay for outstanding iPhone bill.

- Singer Amy Winehouse cries as her husband goes to jail. They tried to make me give a damn about it and I said 'No, no, no.' Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roudnup (Oct. 27-Nov. 2)

- Marriage 'Expert' on Saudi TV Advises Men in 'Right Way' to Beat Their Wives. World quickly conjures secret plot to set him up with Ann Coulter.

- Man puts Texas for sale on eBay. Pulls down the ad after realizing the legal consequences of such a sizeable offer of armament and trans fat.

- Bush declares "History teaches us that underestimating the words of evil, ambitious men is a terrible mistake." Somewhere in the world, Alanis Morissette is checking the weather forecast for her wedding day.

- US charity launches coffee-scented condoms in Ethiopia. They will come in sizes tall, grande and '...can't we just cuddle?'

- Former Football Player Sues Iona College After Losing Leg to Staph Infection C'mon, man. What would be going to college without catching some nasty bug? Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roudnup (Oct. 20-26)

- Bronx priest outraged at drug transactions effectuated inside his church. Hey, if you had to sit through his sermons, you'd be trying to score a little booster too.

- New Yorkers scorned as Giuliani expresses support for Red Sox. Hey, we're OK with you bailing out on the Democratic Party, double-crossing your first and second wives, doing business with Chavez, but THIS??? Have you got no decency?!

- 'Lost' actor has DUI charges dropped. Authorities were fed up with waiting for him to be done with his emotional flashback.

- Britney horrifies the world with her plump lips. On the bright side, this time she managed to do it while keeping her panties on.

- Dumbledore is gay. Really? The mature, single gentleman, who wears Kathy-Bates-like dresses and has a flare for dramatic entrances? You don't say! Click Here To Read More