Weekly News Roundup (Nov. 10-Nov. 16)

- Britney outraged at positive drug test result. Blames it on asthma inhaler. That would have gone down well, hadn't the authorities realized that Brit tends to fill her inhaler with crack-cocaine.

- Up to ten deaths that occurred in the US in the last 18 months, have been attributed to a strain of the common cold. Different government organizations join forces in an effort to keep this news hidden from overprotective mothers and grandmas all over the nation.

- Doomsday cult in southern Russia hole up, threaten massive suicide. Luckily, Tom Cruise showed up to relieve the tension with a fresh pitcher of Kool Aid!

- Lohan completes daylong sentence in just 84 minutes. This is not the first time she shows her gift for outpacing the world. Let's not forget her successful attempt to look like a middle-aged stripper by age 21.

- Spanish King Tells Venezuelan President Chavez to 'Shut Up.' Yes but, where was he when Chavez was recording his Ranchero CD?