Exclusiva: Madonna Swears Off Homos

Long-time gay icon Madonna, has decided to abdicate her throne as empress of the gay Universe, sources revealed. Speculation started at this year's Jingle Ball in Philadelphia, where producer Timbaland leaked a not-quite-HQ snippet of their upcoming collaboration, 4 Minutes To Save The World, rumored to be the first single of her upcoming album Hard Candy. Reportedly, when the crowd heard the decidedly urban-driven, radio-friendly sound of the song, everyone wondered 'Is Madge going all ex-gay on us? What's next, Scientology?' A confused local homosexual had this to say about the track: 'It's weird. This song doesn't make me want to wear Diesel jeans and do alkyl-nitrate. I don't understand.'

We approached a close acquaintance of Madonna's regarding these rumors, and here's what they had to say: "It's true. Madonna it's very disappointed with the gays. It's not like in the old days. Now, they're too busy starting families, adopting kids-- either in real life or vicariously through Angelina on TMZ; both ways equally exhausting, if you ask me. They don't pay attention to her anymore." According to this souce, originally Madge had reckoned her last album didn't do as expected because it wasn't gay enough. [And we're talking about an all disco-anthem CD featuring her in a fuchsia leotard humping a disco ball on the cover.] So she decided to take a more aggressive approach. "Her new album was going to be all homo-centric. Gay-themed versions of her classics." Tracks rumored to be included in this never-materialized album were: 'Dye Another Gay', 'Hung Wop', 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Me', 'Open Your Arse', and 'Take A Bow... now!' However, she gave up on the project when she realized the gay community had push her aside, to focus their attention on more transcendental issues like Marriage Rights, Defamation in the media and all that manmeat in 300.


The source claims that she had exhausted every gay-porn imagery available -from
cowboy to military themes- and was even considering dressing up as a college quarterback for her upcoming album cover, before finally deciding to give up on the fanbase that seemed to have forsaken her. That doesn't mean she hasn't broken a few hearts in the process. 'I want her to go back to when you could see her in her videos, wearing the snuggest outfits, flexing her guns, and trying to blend in with people a third her age. That's what being gay stands for!' stated a certain Idaho Senator who wished to remain anonymous.

So while some remain skeptical of her pursuit of the younger, straighter ones, we'll go ahead and trust Madonna's savvy commercial instincts on this. After all, it is this way that she has managed to stick around long enough for us to be able to watch her leak at 50.