ProcrasTV: The Christmas Tree (*)

(*) I is a poet and I didn't know it!

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Merry X-mas, güey!

Wishing you the best this Holiday season! Don't be cheap, buy me something!

Image from here. Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 15- Dec. 21)

- Panthers' fans to use Jessica Simpson masks to jinx Cowboys. Always the good sport, Jessica offered to hook them up with the surgeon that gave her hers.

- Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister reveals she's pregnant. True to Spears clan form, she added that the baby is a girl, which in turn is scheduled to deliver her own baby as soon as she gets out of the womb.

- Ailing leader Fidel Castro says he doesn't intend to cling to power forever. Phew, just in time to avoid being stigmatized as a dictator.

- Store-employee learns co-worker is birth mom. The 22-year-old man reportedly regrets that in all these years hadn't thought of paging her through the PA before.

- Study shows sex ed in schools may help delay teen sex."Not if I can help it" said Britney Spears' mom, before letting out an ever-so-wicked laughter... Click Here To Read More

Exclusiva: Madonna Swears Off Homos

Long-time gay icon Madonna, has decided to abdicate her throne as empress of the gay Universe, sources revealed. Speculation started at this year's Jingle Ball in Philadelphia, where producer Timbaland leaked a not-quite-HQ snippet of their upcoming collaboration, 4 Minutes To Save The World, rumored to be the first single of her upcoming album Hard Candy. Reportedly, when the crowd heard the decidedly urban-driven, radio-friendly sound of the song, everyone wondered 'Is Madge going all ex-gay on us? What's next, Scientology?' A confused local homosexual had this to say about the track: 'It's weird. This song doesn't make me want to wear Diesel jeans and do alkyl-nitrate. I don't understand.'

We approached a close acquaintance of Madonna's regarding these rumors, and here's what they had to say: "It's true. Madonna it's very disappointed with the gays. It's not like in the old days. Now, they're too busy starting families, adopting kids-- either in real life or vicariously through Angelina on TMZ; both ways equally exhausting, if you ask me. They don't pay attention to her anymore." According to this souce, originally Madge had reckoned her last album didn't do as expected because it wasn't gay enough. [And we're talking about an all disco-anthem CD featuring her in a fuchsia leotard humping a disco ball on the cover.] So she decided to take a more aggressive approach. "Her new album was going to be all homo-centric. Gay-themed versions of her classics." Tracks rumored to be included in this never-materialized album were: 'Dye Another Gay', 'Hung Wop', 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Me', 'Open Your Arse', and 'Take A Bow... now!' However, she gave up on the project when she realized the gay community had push her aside, to focus their attention on more transcendental issues like Marriage Rights, Defamation in the media and all that manmeat in 300.


The source claims that she had exhausted every gay-porn imagery available -from
cowboy to military themes- and was even considering dressing up as a college quarterback for her upcoming album cover, before finally deciding to give up on the fanbase that seemed to have forsaken her. That doesn't mean she hasn't broken a few hearts in the process. 'I want her to go back to when you could see her in her videos, wearing the snuggest outfits, flexing her guns, and trying to blend in with people a third her age. That's what being gay stands for!' stated a certain Idaho Senator who wished to remain anonymous.

So while some remain skeptical of her pursuit of the younger, straighter ones, we'll go ahead and trust Madonna's savvy commercial instincts on this. After all, it is this way that she has managed to stick around long enough for us to be able to watch her leak at 50. Click Here To Read More

ProcrasTV: Gettin' in on the caption.

If you thought Fandango's "My happiness is a golden poem" is the best send-up of Indian musical numbers, you have to see this gem. This choreographic style can only be described as Paula Abdul on drugs (...er, I mean, oh, whatever) and the best part, of course, is that it was not intended to be as funny as it is.


Putting the 'pun' back in punjab!

I say screw that Debbie Allen junk, this is what the Academy Awards dance numbers really need! ( ...though the odd part is that the video was already funny enough without the captions.) Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 8- Dec. 14)

- Brazilian villagers find 18-foot anaconda. The plus-size snake threatened to damage the careers of big-butted Latin starlets everywhere.

- Several New York Yankees players suspected of using steroids. Who woulda thunk? Loosers are users.

- North Korea responds to personal letter sent by Bush. Response says 'Please, next time no writing with crayons. Thank you.'

- Guns N' Roses lyrics cause teacher to lock self in classroom. And that was before she saw what Axel looks like nowadays.

- Katie Holmes tells magazine what turns Tom on.
Mag's fact checkers still waiting to hear back from John Travolta. Click Here To Read More

Bears Consideration

This site dedicated to putting the 'mort' back in 'Mortimer' tells me I'm not alone in nominating him as Most Maleficient Cuddle-Toy of 2007. And please, Britney, stop e-mailing us. We're not going to include Sean Preston Federline in that category. Click Here To Read More