ProcrasTV: The Christmas Tree (*)

(*) I is a poet and I didn't know it!

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Merry X-mas, güey!

Wishing you the best this Holiday season! Don't be cheap, buy me something!

Image from here. Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 15- Dec. 21)

- Panthers' fans to use Jessica Simpson masks to jinx Cowboys. Always the good sport, Jessica offered to hook them up with the surgeon that gave her hers.

- Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister reveals she's pregnant. True to Spears clan form, she added that the baby is a girl, which in turn is scheduled to deliver her own baby as soon as she gets out of the womb.

- Ailing leader Fidel Castro says he doesn't intend to cling to power forever. Phew, just in time to avoid being stigmatized as a dictator.

- Store-employee learns co-worker is birth mom. The 22-year-old man reportedly regrets that in all these years hadn't thought of paging her through the PA before.

- Study shows sex ed in schools may help delay teen sex."Not if I can help it" said Britney Spears' mom, before letting out an ever-so-wicked laughter... Click Here To Read More

Exclusiva: Madonna Swears Off Homos

Long-time gay icon Madonna, has decided to abdicate her throne as empress of the gay Universe, sources revealed. Speculation started at this year's Jingle Ball in Philadelphia, where producer Timbaland leaked a not-quite-HQ snippet of their upcoming collaboration, 4 Minutes To Save The World, rumored to be the first single of her upcoming album Hard Candy. Reportedly, when the crowd heard the decidedly urban-driven, radio-friendly sound of the song, everyone wondered 'Is Madge going all ex-gay on us? What's next, Scientology?' A confused local homosexual had this to say about the track: 'It's weird. This song doesn't make me want to wear Diesel jeans and do alkyl-nitrate. I don't understand.'

We approached a close acquaintance of Madonna's regarding these rumors, and here's what they had to say: "It's true. Madonna it's very disappointed with the gays. It's not like in the old days. Now, they're too busy starting families, adopting kids-- either in real life or vicariously through Angelina on TMZ; both ways equally exhausting, if you ask me. They don't pay attention to her anymore." According to this souce, originally Madge had reckoned her last album didn't do as expected because it wasn't gay enough. [And we're talking about an all disco-anthem CD featuring her in a fuchsia leotard humping a disco ball on the cover.] So she decided to take a more aggressive approach. "Her new album was going to be all homo-centric. Gay-themed versions of her classics." Tracks rumored to be included in this never-materialized album were: 'Dye Another Gay', 'Hung Wop', 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Me', 'Open Your Arse', and 'Take A Bow... now!' However, she gave up on the project when she realized the gay community had push her aside, to focus their attention on more transcendental issues like Marriage Rights, Defamation in the media and all that manmeat in 300.


The source claims that she had exhausted every gay-porn imagery available -from
cowboy to military themes- and was even considering dressing up as a college quarterback for her upcoming album cover, before finally deciding to give up on the fanbase that seemed to have forsaken her. That doesn't mean she hasn't broken a few hearts in the process. 'I want her to go back to when you could see her in her videos, wearing the snuggest outfits, flexing her guns, and trying to blend in with people a third her age. That's what being gay stands for!' stated a certain Idaho Senator who wished to remain anonymous.

So while some remain skeptical of her pursuit of the younger, straighter ones, we'll go ahead and trust Madonna's savvy commercial instincts on this. After all, it is this way that she has managed to stick around long enough for us to be able to watch her leak at 50. Click Here To Read More

ProcrasTV: Gettin' in on the caption.

If you thought Fandango's "My happiness is a golden poem" is the best send-up of Indian musical numbers, you have to see this gem. This choreographic style can only be described as Paula Abdul on drugs (...er, I mean, oh, whatever) and the best part, of course, is that it was not intended to be as funny as it is.


Putting the 'pun' back in punjab!

I say screw that Debbie Allen junk, this is what the Academy Awards dance numbers really need! ( ...though the odd part is that the video was already funny enough without the captions.) Click Here To Read More

Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 8- Dec. 14)

- Brazilian villagers find 18-foot anaconda. The plus-size snake threatened to damage the careers of big-butted Latin starlets everywhere.

- Several New York Yankees players suspected of using steroids. Who woulda thunk? Loosers are users.

- North Korea responds to personal letter sent by Bush. Response says 'Please, next time no writing with crayons. Thank you.'

- Guns N' Roses lyrics cause teacher to lock self in classroom. And that was before she saw what Axel looks like nowadays.

- Katie Holmes tells magazine what turns Tom on.
Mag's fact checkers still waiting to hear back from John Travolta. Click Here To Read More

Bears Consideration

This site dedicated to putting the 'mort' back in 'Mortimer' tells me I'm not alone in nominating him as Most Maleficient Cuddle-Toy of 2007. And please, Britney, stop e-mailing us. We're not going to include Sean Preston Federline in that category. Click Here To Read More

ProcrasTV: On the 6th Day... Arnold found Jesus

I was aware that politicians would do anything to woo the conservative vote, but this gives new meaning to the phrase 'standing on the Christian right.' Then again, this should dissipate any rumors that the Governator is an anti-semite. For either of these two guys, this has to be at least more tolerable than Judgement Day.

"You can walk on water... but can you make me act?" Click Here To Read More

ProcrasTV: ManHint

First on a series of not-so-subtle hints of items you can give a certain blogger for Christmas.
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Weekly News Roundup (Dec. 1- Dec. 7)

- Syria blocks Facebook over fears of Israeli "infiltration" of Syrian social networks on the Net. Israel retaliated by letting Esther and her Spicy Webcam unleash her spamming fury on their MySpace.

- Miss California USA Pageant officials rectify error, crown new beauty queen. When questioned about the cause of this error, the organizers simply filpped their blond bangs back, giggled girlishly and said 'World peace!'

- Iowa Mom Gets Probation for Attempting to Sell 4-Year-Old Son to Pay for Wedding Dress. Oh, the nerve. Doesn't she know it's dishonest and offensive to try to sell an individual not old enough to either sow buttons or strip dance?

- German authorities seek to ban Scientology, calling it 'a commercial enterprise that takes advantage of vulnerable people.' And therefore, unlike any other organized religion in history. Amen.

- Rhino poop auctioned on eBay for charity. Expect it to be the most overpriced piece of dung ever (...at least until Paris Hilton gets another record deal.) Click Here To Read More

Revolution will be TiVo'ed

A basic principle of TV writing is that viewers are drawn to shows where they see themselves represented, so it's only fascinating to see this TV Guide report where US presidential candidates talk about their favorite TV shows. Of course you can expect them to give their pre-sanitized press-conference-ready, but for that reason we present you we a detailed analysis of their answers. Here's the breakdown:

1) Hillary Clinton
What she said: Her favorite shows are HGTV makeover shows, Grey's Anatomy, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars.
What it says about her: The central dramatic element in makeover shows is acceptance, in Idol and Stars is popularity while in Grey's is Katherine Heigl's ass. Expect her to use all three as deciding criteria if she become's president.
If her presidential tenure would be a TV show it would be: Commander in Chief, were Geena Davis is like a female version of her.
Not on her TiVo: Monica Lewinsky's dating show, Mr. Personality


2) John Edwards
What he said: Mentions Perry Mason as favorite all time show and Sam Malone from Cheers as favorite all time character.
What it says about him: He hasn't been near a TV set since the Reagan administration.
If his presidential tenure would be a TV show it would be: Three's Company if only 'cause he looks like John Ritter, no?
Not on his TiVo: We would say Fred Thompson on Law & Order... but he names it as his guilty pleasure. (WTF?)


3) John McCain
What he said: Claims to like Prison Break, "because as a fellow prisoner, I always dreamed and plotted how I would break out of the Hanoi Hilton."
What it says about him: This uncalled-for bragging quip shows this is a man who's very mature for his age.
If his presidential tenure would be a TV show it would be: 24, with the 72-year-old Senator having people wondering if he'll make it alive 'till the end.
Not on his TiVo: Sex And The City, so not even his TiVo would dare to think he's gay.


4) Barack Obama
What he said: His favorite TV character of all time is SpongeBob SquarePants.
What it says about him: Isn't a man who has a pink starfish for best friend the ultimate metrosexual?
If his presidential tenure would be a TV show it would be: Flavor Of Love, because no other African-American fella could make so many white men go green with envy.
Not on his TiVo: Commander in Chief. Click Here To Read More

Bad News, Bear

This Just In: Famous cyberhitchhiker Mortimer, the travelling bear, has been kidnapped in Colombia by the FARC guerrilla. Please be kind to share this proof of life with the bear's next of kin. (Tinsley Mortimer?)

Cyberspace is not the place to rely on the kindness of strangers. Click Here To Read More